When I tell people about the physical things I have gone through they are shocked. The blood transfusions, the intravenous feedings, the surgeries, the hospitalizations, and so many other things about it all seem brutal, and they are; but the physical things for me are so much easier than what the disease has actually done to me as a person…
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I was angry.
Angry that I am a good person and I became sick. Why me? Angry that my friends were out living their lives and finishing up school and I wasn’t. Angry that this was…
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“I was crapping my pants.
Crapping my pants!
Every night. Do you know how scary that is (yeah, you probably do)? To wonder if you’re ever going to be able to have control over your bowels again. What went through my mind… how will I date someone? How will I sleep next to someone if I am always having accidents? How will anyone…
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Part of grieving the loss of my colon was thinking about how I would never be a “normal” person ever again. My body was going to look and work differently from now on. There was no going back and everything felt very unfair. I was already isolated because I was in the hospital for 6 months and before that had been extremely sick the year leading up to my surgeries which resulted in me having to leave school and lose my job. After my surgeries I isolated myself even more by shutting down and pushing everyone away. There was a point that my depression…
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